... okay.

Two very odd things are happening right now.

1. My dad and mum are fighting. Nothing weird about that. They're fighting because my dad is a fucking retard, even, which still isn't weird.

What they're fighting over is that my dad is an asshat and he wants to see ~*New Moon*~ because he's a fucking Twifag and God I hate him sometimes. And he wants to take my mum, and he wants to spend twenty fucking dollars on seeing a piss terrible movie and God I don't even know. He is so immature. He's raving at mum about how they always do what she wants to do but things that are "important to him," [SERIOUSLY, daddy? Twilight is important to you? Fml.] get pushed to the side, which is NOT TRUE. He always does what he wants, no matter the consequences, and mama could be damned for all he fucking cares.

Of course, mum just wants to wait until it goes to the dollar theater, so she won't have to care about spending more than the movie is worth. She can enjoy movies better when she isn't spending TEN DOLLARS on them.

God he is such a piss-ass I don't even know. I really, really hate him sometimes.

2. Slightly less... angry, but more weirded out and indignant. I just got a text. From a girl who... well, she was a senior my sophomore year, and I talked to her a little, but I didn't know her. Everyone hated her because she was a crazy social retard with serious problems and was really annoying and inappropriate, and while I wasn't mean to her, I wasn't buddy-buddy with her either.

So she just texted me. And I don't know how the hell she got my number, but I'm kind of creeped out, because WHO GAVE IT TO HER. I really do not feel comfortable with the apparent easy access of my cell number but whatever. >>;

The text reads thus:

Hey xxxxx, this is ruth haury. I was wondering if i could get together with you and your girlfriend. I've been struggling with sexuality. I was hoping that you and your girlfriend could help me.

... So okay. First of all? When did I get a girlfriend. I wasn't aware I had a girlfriend, and I'm kind of wondering what kind of rumors are being spread about me behind my back.

Second of all. Well. I really. I am caught between wanting to be nice and wanting to go, "Hey, I'm not a lesbian. I don't know you. You don't know me. Please, do not message me out of the blue making blatant assumptions without knowing things." But, see, that's mean. Because for one, despite the fact that everyone loves talking about how gay I am [and they're not entirely wrong, but I don't appreciate it, either] but...

osingldiofnhdf I don't even know. I want to be defensive and tell her to GTFO. I certainly don't want to meet up with her, without the girlfriend I don't have, because she's a putz and she's not a close friend of mine, and I don't feel comfortable talking about the delicate issue that is my very convoluted sexuality with someone I don't particularly know or like, and PLUS okay I'm jumping into peer pressure territory here, but God what the hell would everyone say if word got around that Judo was helping FUCKING RUTH with her sexuality problems.

Because Ruth will blare it. Beyond that. I really don't want word getting around about me helping anyone with sexuality problems because what the hell no. My sexuality is my own fucking business, and I have enough gossip going around about me being crazy anyway.

Mum thinks it might be a prank, but I won't figure that out unless I call the number and find out if it really belongs to Ruth. And I don't want to talk to Ruth.

Someone help me. Dx

Eta. Okay so Karli called her and left an angry message and Ruth called her back and when Karli didn't pick up Ruth texted her saying:

I'm so sorry, I went to school with Xxxxx, I just thought she could help me, I'm so very sorry.

AND NOW I FEEL REALLY BAD.

I AM TOO NICE TO BE DOING THESE THINGS, HOW CAN I JUST BE MEAN TO THIS POOR LITTLE SOCIAL RETARDED PERSON.

I still want to know where she got my phone number, but I feel really bad and omg. Karli told me 'problem solved don't text her again' but how can I not? At least to apologize and... fffff.

/wallows in shame

Stolen from pridefall

1) Post a list of up to 20 books/movies/anime/TV shows/video games/bands [fannish etc.] that you've had an obsessive fannish love or interest in at some time in your life.
2) Have your f-list guess your favourite character/member from each item.
3) When someone guesses correctly, strike through the item and put the name of your favorite character next to it.


1. Inuyasha | Sesshoumaru vargrimar
2. Black Cat | Charden theamazingfetus
3. FullMetal Alchemist | Martel a1kuna
4. Parasyte
5. Trigun | Elendira & Tessla vargrimar
6. Ranma 1/2
7. Doctor Who | Martha a1kuna
8. Teen Titans | Jinx a1kuna
9. Paranoia Agent | Shounen Bat junoluver
10. Naruto | Tenten a1kuna
12. Ouran High School Host Club | Haruhi a1kuna
13. Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni | Mion ember_reignited
14. Justice League
15. B.O.D.Y.
16. Boy Meets World
17. Hellsing | Integra a1kuna
18. Ah! My Goddess
19. The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi
20. Avatar: The Last Airbender | Toph a1kuna


I need to get into more fandom. This was harder than I thought. >_>; COME ON FLIST YOU CAN DO EHT.

Eta. Jesus Fletching Christ, lay the fuck off, best friend. e__e Who knows me too well. God, all you have to say is, "Main or Obscure Tough Female Protagonist" and you've got seventy-five percent of these right.

Nobody else is gonna have a chance to guess because Kuna grabbed them all.

THE FAMILY TREE MEME

I have never done one of these shits before. Gimme something good, F-list? :>

Here's to family, and food, and friends, and laptops on which to screw around when you have finished all of your assigned chores.

May everyone be thankful for the blessings in their lives. I for one, am thankful for every single one of you, for the things I am talented at, and the things I am only sort of talented. I am thankful for growth, and life, and the beauty of art and of music. I am so very grateful for the wonder of languages and writing, and for the freedoms we have to express ourselves through such. I am most thankful for my birds, for my cats, for my dogs, and for every other animal who has lived and touched my heart in some way.

To Kuna, and Karli, and Kodu, and Kwa, and Lamb, and Swiss, and Shaki, and Angie, and Fen, and Xandra, and Ian, and Elizabeth, and Chris, and Edwin, and Andy, and all of you, I am honoured to have you in my life. To those who have passed from my life: Noah, Felicia, Cupid, Lightning, Chickapee, Appeline, Soya, Hari, Thunder, Martel, Peekaboo, Sora. I miss you all dearly, and I remember how much I loved you when you were alive.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and find at least a day of pure happiness in the whirling chaos that can be life sometimes.

Herzlichen zum Erntedankfest, alle!

Brb, wiping away TEARS and SNOT.

Moulin Rouge, you damned movie. You get me every single time.

It is not as bad as Click but really. I need to be more of a woman when I watch that movie, because I don't think clutching my chest and sniveling is enough.

B'awww cry moar, Judo.

The movie ends after the curtain closes.

Fuck.

I'm tired. .__.

If anyone is online, they should tell me that I need to go to class today, or else I will be penalized.

But I very much do not want to.

Maybe if I promise to do my work today, I can skip.

I shouldn't.

But I. I just.

I have to stop "not feeling like it" because the end of the semester is so soon and I have to catch up. I have to.

But I don't feel like it.

Sigh.

I feel fine now, but I know I won't later.

Someone talk some sense into me please.

Eta. Okay. Now I don't feel fine.

I don't know how I ever believed I could do this.

Swear t'God this is the last MinaKu journal I post back-to-back I PROMISE I will be interesting again. Actually fandom is more interesting than my life, so.

He ignored her comment. “How many more minutes free time do we have?”

The redhead disappeared into one of the stalls. Her voice drifted from the other side. “Until I finish peeing. And then adjusting my make up again.”

Minato grinned at this. Her old quirks were showing. The long legged creature he saw today apparently still had some of the tomboy left in her. Even if the potty mouth seemed mostly gone.

“Did you have to pick the men’s bathroom?”

Her voice was dripping with sarcasm. “You’re more comfortable this way, right? Anyways, I wouldn’t want you defiling the women’s bathroom with your maleness.”

“Masculinity,” he corrected.

“Shut up.”

Vainglory, by kawaiisuzu.

Are they not just the BEST things in the world. God, I'm dying reading all of this. They are so bloody lulzy.

In addition to that I have two essays to write before tomorrow and no motivation with which to do so.

Wooooe is meeeee. I guess I'll just have to keep reading fanfiction.

WHAT A SHAME. >_>

I think of the worst interactions ever.

And by the worst, I mean the best.

( I ship Kushina/Neji's Mama. )

... Someone who knows anything about writing these characters talk to me. I have no idea.

I have no idea what happened, but right now Minato/Kushina is the hottest thing in the world.

Lamb and Rin would be proud, I guess.

I'm just wondering what happened that made me interested in the older generations. They were never really my... thing.

But holy fuck, I need to stop reading fanfiction [Jesus Christ they are so hot] and get to bed because I have tons of homework and my vision's getting fuzzy.

Though it is tempting to stay up and keep reading MinaKu fanfic.

So, so tempting.

Hnng.

Evidence of why the sanitation department should use their brains instead of making stupid decisions:

They taped the shit out of the little trash cans next to the toilets, and posted signs all around saying "trash all sanitation products."

So that means that women in the stalls get to awkwardly hold onto their used equipment, and then they have to CARRY IT OUTSIDE to throw it away.

I'm sorry, but I'm just not comfortable with trying to juggle a wad of toilet-paper-covered nasty while I try to pull up my pants and grab my bag, and then have to subtly dispense of it without making it too obvious to everyone in the room that I am being visited by the Red Ninja, just because some janitor didn't want to empty a few extra fucking trash bins.

THEY ARE THERE FOR A REASON, DEAR GOD WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS.

Mum: So, have you seen Dan and his friend, whose name I can never remember?
Judo: Taja.
Mum: Right. Have you seen them.
Judo: ... >> No.
Mum: Well that's sad. They seemed like nice people.
Judo: ...
[long pause]
Judo: Danstartedhittingonme.
Mum: /the look
Judo: So I... I didn't call him. Ever. Again. He called me once and I answered but I never called again.
Mum: /re: the look
Judo: I DON'T DO WELL WITH GUYS LIKING ME OKAY.
Mum: Pfft. What about girls liking you?
Judo: ... well that I don't mind.
Mum: /laughs
Judo: I'm not afraid of girls! D:
Mum: Maybe you should talk to your counselor about your fear of men, too.
Judo: =w= That's what Elizabeth keeps telling me.
Mum: Elizabeth is right.

Jesus Christ, it's so obvious that I'm gay my parents don't even bother being in denial about it. I mean, my dad and I have conversations about our similar tastes in women.

They're less in denial than I am.

Maybe I should come out.

... nah.

Dear you: Sometimes I feel like you think the world revolves around you. Or at least my world.

Dear me: Stop being an asshole.

Dear best friend: I miss you.

Dear school: Fuck off.

Dear insomnia: Fuck off.

Re: Dear self: GO TO BED.

Dear reader: One of these things is a diversionary tactic to distract you from what I am actually trying to say here. Because, in fact, this is a chemical equation.

I still think that you need to get your head out of your ass, though. Just because I say something doesn't mean it's about you, sweetcheeks.

I am getting so much better at being cryptic.

God I am so repulsive even the Cohos don't want to fucking talk to me. Dx

I only found one that was even online--the one that I met Shar on, coincidentally. All the other ones were offline. But twice nobody responded, and the only time I got a response that happened.

/tries so many more times

And to think I could just go to bed.

I have just zeroed in on a tendency of mine.

I meet people. I meet really popular people. Wonderful people, adored by everyone, the BNF types who are envied and lusted after. You know the ones. I fall in love with those people, and for some unexplainable reason they fall in love with me right back. It's every fangirl's dream. We're in love.

For a certain amount of time, at least.

And then there is a period of drifting, in which I desperately try to cling onto these people and where they want very little to do with me.

Eventually I'll realize that they were never as beautiful as I thought they were in the first place.

Eventually I will become disillusioned.

The truly beautiful ones are those who slither underneath the radar. You don't notice them at first. Sometimes it takes a while.

And then.

I don't know why I insist on attracting outwardly wonderful people.

They only end up letting me down in the end, when I realize they are just as human as everyone else.

Can't anyone ever stay extraordinary? Why do they always insist on depriving me of my idle, worshipping fantasies?

It hurts to lose a hero. Hurts even more to lose a friend.

I think I'm learning how to let go.

When I can roll my eyes and stop feeling the loss, I start to wonder if that means I'm just growing a pair, or if I'm losing a bit of my humanity.

This is not directed toward anyone in general. Please, no presumptuous comments. ♥

Eta. I've redefined my icon, in my eyes. Before it looked like they were holding on to each other. Now it looks like the black hand is pulling away from the white one.

And the white one is barely hanging on.

I hate contextualism.

This is my life.


... No wonder Eddie doesn't talk to me anymore. D8 He's dating my ex boyfriend. Always knew TC was a tripfag.

poisontea~ I'll treat you right, bb.

I did this forever ago, back when I still did these things. I purposefully made them all obscure, to the point where I literally had to make a list because when I went back I could not remember which one was to who.

I am kind of proud of myself, to be honest.

- When you call me Jude, I feel ridiculously happy. I miss nicknames.
- Dance more.
- I want you to throw yourself off of the top bunk and stop being a bitch.
- Dude come online.
- Violence isn't becoming.
- Spend more time with me.
- Take off your shoes more often. I like it when you show skin.
- Stop being an attention whore. That's my job.
- I still love you.
- Sometimes, I want to hold your hand. Sometimes I do.
- Be less gay.
- I don't want to be there when you get raped.
- We should talk.
- I wish you wouldn't.
- PISSY BITCH.
- Your socially reclusive behaviour makes me sad.
- Why don't you do weed anymore? Smoke around me again.
- You frustrate me to the point where I want to make out with you.
- Haha. Sims.
- I know it's mad, but if I go to hell will you go with me or just leave?
- If I had sex, and you weren't a playing, lying jackass, I'd do it with you.
- Dude, our conversations.
- Sometimes, I think you're perfect. And then I remember.
- Stop being invisible.
- No. Put your dick away.
- Paint your nails, then take a picture of it.
- These drive you crazy.

Some of these are to dead things and people who aren't online, lmfao. 8( And only two of these were to people/things that don't have tags. I actually feel kind of accomplished.

The one about Felicia makes me... understandably sad.

Yay for livejournal and vague.

"Sorry I took so long to come pick you up. Traffic was really bad today."

"Oh, it's okay. I just found a nice patch of internet and sat in it."

So, some interesting things happened at class today.

1. Everyone ganged up on the teacher. I'm not joking. Almost nobody understood the homework, and we were insisting that she didn't go over it. She insisted that she did. It was this big fight and like half the class was up there talking in their angry voices. Yayuan was getting reaaally upset and defensive, and in contrast to my identity of a snotty college student, I apologized to her after class because even though she was being a douche, she probably didn't understand half of what we were saying, and was just responding out of nerves. She looked like she was going to cry, which just. I understand that she is a bad teacher, but if students get up and start yelling at her instead of explaining calmly, it is both disrespectful and unproductive.

I did start talking in my angry voice at one point because she said that she got NO emails and, LOL, uh. No. She can defend herself all she likes, but I had to email her twice to get the information I needed, and after taking the quiz, what she told me was not what was on the quiz, so uh.

2. I might have passed that fucking quiz. I knew how to do every single fucking problem. I wasn't nervous on any of them. In fact, I was so excited that I knew everything that my heart started racing and I actually got nervous from... excitement, idk. Go ask the anxiety, it's its fault. I even figured out the fucking bonus problem which I never do because um sobbies those are always really hard. But this one was easy and fffff. It seems the more despair I enter a quiz with, the better I'll do.

I'm not even joking, either. I was too discouraged to study this morning so I didn't end up studying AT ALL. All those other mornings? Those other mornings I got up as early as six thirty/seven o'clock and studied all morning until eleven for the damned quiz, and I was lucky if I got a twelve on one of those damn things.

3. I was one of the only students to understand what she was teaching. Unfortunately there is a huge formula to remember and I don't know how to explain it, and even then my understanding is kind of... shaky. But at least I am familiar with it.

The bad news is that, pffft, I still don't know how to do the homework. :'3

Ah well. I'll figure soooomething out. Eventually.

To my best friend: Why is it you talk to me for an average of ten minutes, just about, and then you stop responding to anything I say? It's like you just walk away, or say, "I've had enough of Judo for today, I think I'll just stop talking now."

Lol, unrelated non sequitur is unrelated to everything in this post.

Lmfao, guys, just so you know what I'm dealing with:

Judo, in an email to her math teacher, after worrying about how she would do on the quiz that may allegedly cover material she does not yet understand:

Since you were absent today we did not have a quiz review. Will there still be a quiz tomorrow? What will be on it, if there is?

Yayuan Xiao, in reply:

We will have a quiz as usual. As I said on Monday, it will cover the concepts in Homework of last week.

I feel compelled to call her a LYING BITCH AND SAY SHE SAID NO SUCH THING. ALSO, what the fuck homework WAS last week? I don't even know if I HAVE last week's homework. In fact, I don't. Because I gave it to her THIS TUESDAY because she had to RE-SCHEDULE the fucking homework turn-in, so that if I want to get help on my fucking homework I have to turn it in LATE. EVERY. WEEK. Before it was due on Tuesday so I could go for help on Monday. Now, it's due on FRIDAY, so if I wait until Monday to get help SHE BITCHES IN PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MANNER ABOUT IT BEING LATE.

WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT ME TO DO, YOU HARPY, I AM TRYING MY GOD-DAMN BEST HERE.

I am just going to skip class and go back to bed and cry myself to sleep. I don't know what the fuck I am supposed to do. She won't help me. She won't work with me.

I could legitimately withdraw from the class for medical reasons, but it might destroy my Financial Aid since it is a five credit course. Without it, I will only have eleven credits, which would mean that I am TECHNICALLY not a full-time student, which means that I COULD LOSE ALL OF MY GRANTS AND SCHOLARSHIPS ISN'T THAT FUCKING WONDERFUL.

Either I stay, choke through a class where the teacher won't fucking help me, run the 5% chance that I pass the fucking excruciatingly hard final--which I won't. She told us that out of a class of thirty, only six usually passed the class--and when I don't pass, watch it wreak HAVOC on my GPA, which will put me in danger of losing my scholarships... OR I can drop the class, lighten my workload, force myself through the semester and get GOOD GRADES, and still risk losing my fucking scholarships.

HEY, AMERICA? THERE'S SOMETHING FUCKING WRONG WITH YOUR SCHOOL SYSTEM. YOU'D THINK THAT WHEN OVER FIFTY PERCENT OF THE KIDS WERE FAILING A CLASS THAT YOU WOULD REALIZE THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM WITH THE FUCKING TEACHERS.

How am I supposed to do this if she won't. Fucking. Help me.

Eta. To my teacher, in response to her last, unhelpful email:

I have not yet received last week's homework. Usually you give us the types of the problems that will be on the quiz.

Since I do not have the homework to review, I would appreciate it if you would tell me which problems there were so that I could study them, since I do not usually do well on the quizzes.

Find the domain of functions, simplify the expressions containing the radical terms.

I am so glad to have this information half an hour before I am supposed to be in class. :D That should be plenty of time to study, right?

Hey, does anyone less irrational, and more canine/capitalism savvy [I am looking at you for the canine part, wofl_iron ] than I have a better suggestion? I am not sure how severe worn down teeth are, nor do I know any better solution than "FIND THE MONEY" or "USE PITY AND MANUAL LABOR."

/fret fret

It's really nice being able to look into the mirror and think, "damn, I'm hot."

MY ACNE IS CLEARING UP YAAAAAY. :D

I am not stereotypically bleach-blonde, skimpy frock, make-up wearing pretty. Although I could be, and the idea that I would be damn good at it is comforting, should I ever wish to turn into a mindless drone.

But I am pretty to myself. And some day, I will be pretty to a guy. Or girl.

Until then, I do not need to worry what men think of me.  Because most girls already think I'm hot.  They can have their long haired girly-girls, and they can have their tramps, and the girls who will give them what they want, with or without self respect. Because goodness knows, I worry more about the fact that a guy would refuse to date me on the pretense that I would not sleep with him more than a guy not liking me because I am not particularly feminine.

I wouldn't want a guy who'd even think of pushing me further than I wanted to go, anyway.

Not like the last one.

I almost started crying in the counseling office on Tuesday--my first appointment, I didn't journal about it. I said it for the first time to someone [other than insinuating it to Kuna]. About the sexual abuse. It hurts to admit it, and I feel some way that he is just so clueless about how his actions affected me, that I am almost hurting him in a way by calling it that. But that is what it felt like. What it feels like. And it is his fault I have these problems now. His fault that I cannot be touched by a guy without being uncomfortable. And I do not need to feel sorry about potentially hurting his feelings.

I will be strong without one. Just like I always have been.

Besides. Not to gloat or anything. But at the con? There were guys dripping off my legs.  Good to know that at eighteen I have not yet lost my charm.